All feelings are from the Lord

Someone once told me that she felt, in her opinion, that feelings were amoral, meaning that there are no good or bad feelings. They just are. I agree with her. The Lord Jesus was angry too, but in his anger, he did not sin. The Lord Jesus wept with sorrow too.

I know it’s been many many months since the whole Jon saga exploded, but I’m still grieving in some place of my heart. My friend said it’s because my heart has been ripped before and I’ve been trying to fill it with other things, before it gets ripped again. Time and God will heal it, she says.

I want to find someone who isn’t toxic anymore for me once and for all, my soul mate. I’ve been deceived before to believe that I’d found them, only to be disappointed.

I don’t know really where I’m going with this post, but I’m still trying to find myself. I’m not going to go into all the religious spiel, because that just stinks. But I know that somewhere out there, God is watching over me, and that He loves me so much, and for that I am grateful.

Can’t hardly wait

I am turning 27 soon in less than a month’s time. And I am restless. I sense in my spirit that I am the marrying sort, not the noble Paul, single-saint-like sort, because I need company, I need attention, I need someone to share my life with; I need someone there for me.

I don’t see anyone on the radar at the moment though. The individual I have feelings for is in a relationship with someone else. Talk about rosey prospects. My heart is open, yet it is not open to just any man who is taller than me and who is a Christian.

I am tired. Tired of being single, alone, and lonely. I know God is preparing me. But for who, I don’t know. The next 6 months are going to be critical for me if I want to recover from my recent manic episode.

I think I was born impatient. When I am not depressed or stressed, I always look forward to each new day. I can’t wait to meet the people I have scheduled in my calendar to meet, I can’t wait to do the things I have scheduled to do.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Timing

God holds time in His hands, and good, precise, perfect timing is essential for the reaping of the best.

In netball, you have to time your jumps to get the rebounds. Half a second too early, and you’ll be on your way down when the ball reaches “catchable” height. Half a second too late, and your opponent would have caught the rebound before you.

If you under cook something, it will still taste raw and uncooked. Yet, if you overcook steak for example, it becomes very dry, and hard, and you’d be better off using it as a paper weight than a meal.

Think of how the concept of timing affects or manifests itself in your life. How true is it about what I have just said?

In the bible, quoting the words of the world’s wisest man, in Ecclesiastes, it says : Meaningless, Meaningless! Everything is meaningless! There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven. God has put eternity in the heart of man, yet he has not understood this from beginning to end.

For these 2 weeks, I will be resting from my relapse of mania, resting from compulsive, impulsive shopping, resting from difficult people, resting from having to go to work, resting from people, and resting from stress. More importantly, I will be resting in the Lord Jesus, because He is my present and eternal rest. He is my God, I lack nothing.

I also sense that this year I will get into a relationship which will end in marriage. I don’t know how, I can’t explain why, but I just sense it. I feel my inner clock ticking day by day, week by week, month by month. I keep telling God, “I’m ready!” but He keeps saying “Wait, not yet”.

Fingers are crossed on this one! Pray for me please!! That I’ll have my dream come true – which is to find a husband-to-be who will be my husband!

Brand New

This time in hospital has really broken me, and defeated me, yet I have remained joyful throughout, and have not let go of Jesus, my Cornerstone. He has mended me again, and after the fall, I have risen again, and am ready to have face-off battle with life again. To life, to Satan, I have this one message: Bring it ON!

Just Jesus and me

 

We went to the beach last week,

Just Jesus and me

We sat on the grainy sand,

Just Jesus and me

We looked for sea shells

Just Jesus and me

We put them to our ears

to hear the voice of the sea

 

We played hide-and-seek

Just Jesus and me

We climbed to Pooky’s Peak

Just Jesus and me

We took the merry-go-round

Just Jesus and me

He took the white stallion

I took the little brown pony

 

Just and my Jesus

hanging low, hanging slow

I grabbed His large hand and

Swung it to and fro

As we skipped off to buy ice cream

We took our rollerblades

And skated by the sea

I love my Jesus

And my Jesus loves me

There’s no place like Home

I am home. Safe and of a sound mind. Thank you Jesus. That two weeks was really really tough but I pulled through and have emerged stronger.

Lord, the seeds of an existence of Jesus have been planted in the many people I got to interact with during my stay there. Bring others to water, and to tend to them, to till the soil and to plough the ground. And I Know for sure that You will make them grow.

Lord help me to heal, and go back to work. In Your name I pray, amen.

The pebble and the royal glass heart

I, the royal glass heart.
You, the pebble that slew Goliath.

Like little kids,
One, two three,
We played together:
glass heart,
pebble
sea

You shattered my
Royal glass heart
Into a million shiny sharp shards.
And every time I try to pick up
a shard to help mend my
broken heart,
help soothe, help heal,
it slices my fingers, my palms
and I end up hurting,
bleeding,
more.

Can a shattered glass heart truly be
Fully mended?
Can a wound really be
Tended to until healing is complete?

Like little kids,
One, two three,
We jumped like leap frogs
From the tree.
For a fleeting moment,
We were airborne, we were free,
Were were infinite, we were three.

Then She got greedy,
And I went crazy;
it’s then you had to choose:
you chose her and left me alone
and our three became a two.